


Kuebiko

by Itohan



Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Animal Death, Anti-Jedi Sentiments (Star Wars), Baby Anakin Skywalker, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Childbirth, Dark Anakin Skywalker, Domestic Fluff, Drama, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Family Dynamics, Force-Sensitive Shmi Skywalker, Gen, Naboo Culture and Customs (Star Wars), Non force-sensitive Reader, Obsession, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parenthood, Planet Naboo (Star Wars), Planet Tatooine (Star Wars), Possessive Anakin Skywalker, Possessive Behavior, Reader Needs a Hug, Reader-Insert, Reincarnation, Shmi Skywalker Deserves Better, Shmi Skywalker Dies, Slavery, TRIGGER WARNING Animal Cruelty, Tatooine Culture (Star Wars), Tatooine Slave Culture (Star Wars), Tragedy, Unrequited Love, Young Anakin Skywalker, alternative universe, mentions of Xenophobia, no y/n, not very pro Jedi, okay honestly a lot of angst, raising Anakin Skywalker, trigger warning panic attack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26989009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itohan/pseuds/Itohan
Summary: kuebiko:n. a state of exhaustion inspired by an act of senseless violence, which forces you to revise your image of what can happen in this world.__________________Anakin, feels like sunshine - Shmi is the taste of coppery blood.Rebirth,reincarnation,second life. These words tasted like sizzling ash on your tongue, made you gag on air and want to rip your hair out. Thus you never spoke them. They were only yours to keep, preserved in your mind together withanguish,sorrowandlonging.You never expected to meet either of them. You had planned on escaping Taooine and living out the rest of your life on Naboo. Yet when you are the only one to be with Shmi Skywalker in her last moments as she’s dying in childbirth, you become Anakin’s caretaker - the sole focus of his attention and without knowing the very thing to bring rise to the darkness in him.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Reader, Anakin Skywalker/ Reader (one sided), Shmi Skywalker & Reader
Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759843
Comments: 72
Kudos: 133





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

#####  **kuebiko**

_n. a state of exhaustion inspired by an act of senseless violence, which forces you to revise your image of what can happen in this world._

* * *

"It's alright, Anakin.You didn't mean to!"

You didn't look at the dead cat next to him, you couldn't. It wasn't real. Just a bad dream and any moment you would wake up sweat soaked, you were sure. Your willed the strength into your arms to sliver them around Anakin's small body and buried your head in his blond hair. It was soft.

"You didn't mean to. You are just a boy, you didn't know any better. But you will be good now, promise me?" you murmured and your voice trembled just a bit.

You finally lifted your head from his hair to look into his eyes, his wide innocent _blue_ eyes.  
"Ani..." This time you allowed your voice to become softer and the harsh tension in your shoulders eased. "Promise me."

 _Too young to be a monster_.

.  
.  
.

Your life began on Tatooine. Inconsequential, your father had said. Too weak, your mother answered, holding back tears, when she closed her hands around your tiny blue fist. Nobody expected you to open your eyes. Nobody expected you to scream, your lungs full of life and want. Want to live, to survive, to be loved. Least of all you.  
Yet you did.

 **Rebirth** , **reincarnation** , **second** **life**. These words tasted like sizzling ash on your tongue, made you gag on air and want to rip your hair out. Thus you never spoke them. They were only yours to keep, preserved in your mind together with **anguish** , **sorrow** and **longing**. 

Your older brother called you strange, your classmates kept their distance. Only your parents did not see anything wrong with you, they loved you fully and unconditionally. Maybe they shouldn't have. You weren't a child and you weren't innocent. But for them you could play pretend, because you loved them too. You weren't quite sure if it was in the same way, but none the less you did.

Your brother saw you for what you really were - a parasite. Stealing away his parents love and affection, taking, taking, taking... He didn't ever see you give. You gave your love and soul, but he didn't see, he didn't want to. At home you did not possess the freedom you sought, yet you were willing to submit, for your parents sake you were the child they wanted. 

While home was your stage, school would become your sanctuary.

School offered you freedom, the freedom to be **genuine** , **honest** , **true**. You wanted to learn how to survive in this vast galaxy, and you would not give up on this chance. Knowledge was freedom and freedom was everything. Aurebesh, Basic, Outer-Rim, Mid-Rim, Inner-Rim, the Republic. New and exciting - strange and terrifying.

You excelled in school but not in the friend department. Your classmates saw that you were wrong. An imposter-child. You might have been good at fooling your elders but in the end you would never do anything but play pretend, so you made your choice and lived by it. You didn't want their friendship, they did not give any. 

When you finally reached adulthood, you also reached for the stars - they reached back. You left in the dead of night, leaving behind a bare room and no trace of your existence. You had taken everything you had deemed painful reminders of yourself, but you could never take their memories. One less mouth to feed, you had thought. 

They were never your real family anyway, you lied to yourself after reclaiming your **real** , **original** , **long** **forgotten** name before stepping into Mos Espa, a city once nothing more than fiction to you. You didn't get to see your father cry at night when everyone was asleep. Your brother did. He never hated you more.

But that was the past, now you were more concerned with the current situation. The pressing situation you were certainly not equipped to deal with! In front of you lied a young woman, probably a lot of years older than you but still young - _too_ _young_ _to_ _die_. Her matt brown locks framed her pained face, glistening with sweat and her own blood. So much blood. Her breath was shallow, it's weak throttle like a dying animal's and all you could do was to hold her cold bony hands in yours.

Just moments ago you were walking through the halls of Gardulla the Hutt's palace, on your way out of what was basically a slave contract. No more dirty work for you, no more shady back alley dealings for an overgrown Slug. You were finally free to leave this dustball behind fo a better place, maybe even Naboo or Alderaan- no not Alderaan you had decided, better not tempt fate. You had a choice.

Not anymore, now it was just you and her in the dirty storage closet you had accidentally stumbled into when you heard her muffled cries. She had lied there all alone, her arms tightly wrapped around her pregnant belly as she was bleeding out, holding on to life so that she could give her baby a glimmer of a chance. You felt something deep inside of your stomach turn and you held on tighter, you could not break, not when she had no one but you.

"I don't want to die. Please. Help me, I can't, I-" she rasped out, her eyes trained on something behind you as yet another pained scream forced itself out of her lips. "My baby. Don't let them take it! They will- they will make him like me, a slave. You cannot let them. You can't. Please don't..." Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. Anger. Anger at the world. Anger at everyone, anger at knowing she won't ever get to hold her child.

"I promise."  
Your pulse raced hot as the air grew more stale with every gasp of air you inhaled. Why were you giving your word to a dead woman, to someone who was considered Gardulla's property, when you had no right to do so? Guilt? No, not that. It was the anger in her eyes that drew you in like a vortex and gave power to emotions you were not certain were your own.

Then a cry.  
**Dizziness** , **relief** , **tears**. You squeezed your eyes shut desperate to escape **the** **sweat** , **the** **emotions** , **everything**. When you opened them again the woman had dressed her child in makeshift robes out of the blanket her head had rested on before. The baby was feeding on her breast peacefully as she held it in her arms. The sight made you want to raise your fingers up to your eye-sockets and scratch your eyes out, because you knew what would happen next. You could not overlook her sallow skin, those pained breaths she took or how she struggled to hold the child- the boy, it was a boy, in her grasp. She would not survive the night but he might. You should have left her to die, the dark part of your mind whispered.

"What is his name?" you asked, ignoring the coppery taste of blood in your mouth. You licked over your lower lip once, twice. Bitten raw.

"Anakin, Anakin Skywalker."

**You are dying. You are dying. You can't breathe. You are dying. You can't stay here, you need to go, you can't, you can't-**

"My little sun, oh look at him isn't he beautiful? Such a strong boy!"  
Shmi's voice - because she just had to be Shmi - washed over you like a calming summer breeze and halted you in your staggered steps. And you did look. You didn't see a monster or an abomination as you had expected when you heard that name. You only saw **a** **boy** , **a** **baby** , **a** **future**. There was no monster here.

And suddenly you were holding him, his mother's blood staining your clothes, and the world felt alright again like you were made to do this. Maybe you were. Shmi gave you a sad smile followed by a single weak nod. You could only hope her death to be quick. She shouldn't suffer, not her. You raised your hand to- you quickly pulled it down again, it wouldn't be enough. 

No gesture could ever soothe her anguish.

Instead you twisted your body away from her sorry sight and walked, walked until the palace was nothing but another speck of sand behind the dunes. You didn't waste any time and packed your possessions in the closest bag you could find. There was nothing holding you here anymore. 

You were free of Gardulla and so was Anakin. No tracker yet, you had saved him. No podrace where Shmi and him were bet, you had saved him. No Watto, you had saved him. No Anakin in the junkshop, you had doomed the galaxy to an uncertain fate.

But you didn't care.   
This boy would grow up some place better, you had promised his mother and you would keep that promise. You didn't owe the galaxy anything, only her, only him, only yourself. You banished thoughts of your family to the back of your mind - they did not matter, no matter how much the lie scratched deep wounds into your heart. **Lie** , **liar** , **false**. You didn't think of Shmi's rotting corpse when you bought milk formula in bulk. Liar. You didn't cry when you took one last look at the planet that had been your home before stepping in your ship. Liar.

You had always been a liar.

"I promise. I promise to keep you safe!“  
You cradled Anakin closer to your chest, your arms steady, and smiled at the stars in front of you. The world lied at your feet and you would give Anakin the world. You wouldn't let him become the man of the stories from your past life. You pressed a kiss onto his little blonde curls. They were soft.

He would do good, you were sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for making it this far! I originally planned for this to be a one shot but then I had a few random bursts of inspiration and now this will be a full fledged out story. Would love to know what you think :)


	2. Sleepless nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the night is hard for both you and you think about the choices you’ve made.

"Anakin, please, please stop crying. Please."

But honestly you wanted to cry too. This wasn't the life you had imagined either, but now it was and you would have to live with it. You were tired, you wanted to sleep and you just wanted some peace and quiet for once. However you couldn't fault him for crying, not with all the noise the next door neighbours made.

So you just kept on gently swaying him in your arms and waited for him to have cried his little heart out. You were ought to be used to it by now at least you thought so, everything concerning this situation wasn't quite as it should be. For one, he should have been in Shmi's arms, and he shouldn't have to be stuck in a cramped apartment complex.

It had been half a year since the boy in your arms had become a part of your life. No, since he had become your life. None of this had ever been your first choice, neither reincarnation nor Tatooine or suddenly raising the destined savior of the galaxy. But you two only had each other and you wouldn't fail him. But sometimes you still couldn't help but wonder how your life had gotten to this point, it was still hard to believe that all of this was real.

After first arriving on Naboo you only had to live out of your ship for a week before securing a place to live in Therea, a central city of Naboo and just about as far as one could be from Theed.

You managed to rent a small apartment fairly quickly for someone originally off-world.  
However,, everything was possible if you just had enough credit reserves and that you did, if one could account for your left over savings from your jobs with Gardulla. You could even have gotten a bigger apartment in a better part of town but you decided not to. That money would eventually run out and hen what? So instead you chose a smaller and cheaper one, one you could pay for longer if you weren't able to get a steady job as soon as you wanted. Yet the smallness didn't deter you from turning it into something you could love one day.

You spent many hours, in which Anakin slept, setting up decorations which once upon a time would have seemed like something out of an art catalogue. Here on Naboo everything was beautiful and lifely, which you sometimes still couldn't wrap your head around. So you turned your apartment into your own brand beauty, combining conform Nabooian influences with your tokens of Tatooine.

Your favorite room was the one you were in now, Anakin's nursery. In here you had put up the two little nightlights you had taken with you when you left your home. They closely resembles Tatooine's twin suns and had once basked your own bedroom in a warm glow. Now they were Anakin's.

If you were anyone else you could have supposed you'd settled in nicely on Naboo but this wasn't the case for you, because if you had to be honest this wasn't home yet. Not when you could see the looks people wore on their faces as soon as you opened your mouth to and spoke, your voice betraying your Tatooinian accent. Their eyes would just widen slightly and their smile would shrink just a bit. while you couldn't read their thought, you didn't need to, it was obvious they were looking down on you. Outer Rim trash just because you were born just a few planets away.

Life wasn't fair and you never expected it to be, so you used their bias to your advantage and instead tried your luck in the Cantinas. Playing Pazaak had been something you'd learned while interacting with Gardulla's rather special clientele, the perfect way to get the scoop on local gossip and to earn some nice amounts of credits if you had a talent for card games. It wasn't long after that you made contact with the right kind of people, just being the right amount of shady to hire you even with your 'lower background'. They were the kind of people who'd hire you because they could see the dangerous glint in your eyes even when you smiled at the waiters in the Cantinas. Even a planet as beautiful as Naboo had it's rotten parts and you would take full advantage of them.

A door slammed faintly in the distance and Anakin ceased his crying, quiet finally settling over the bedroom. Your neighbours must at last have went off to their jobs. A few minutes passed until the redness disappeared from Anakin's face and his eyes fell shut, his consciousness claimed by sleep. You would just stay here for a bit. Just a bit until you had to leave this small oasis of peace.

Just something to hold on to. That was all you asked for.

Had your mother thought these thoughts too when she held you in her arms? The image this planted in your mind was painful and something inside you seethed. You shouldn't miss her. But how could you not when you were a mother now in all but name?

A whimper ripped you out of your thoughts and your eyes fell towards the source as you tightened your hold on him. Anakin steered a little at the contact, his hands twisting into tight fists, and you sighed. 

You couldn't ever tell him that those nightmares were your fault, that they were the force's way of rectifying things and sending him on his true path. You could feel it in your bones, the horrid taste the force left on your tongue, a taste you had last tasted in the hours of his birth. You knew those dreams couldn't be anything but the force's doing. However, you wouldn't let them claim him. You couldn't, because you knew what that path would entail for Anakin, there would be nothing but pain and suffering entailed for him.

_This was your son and not their savior._  
This galaxy would only fall back into despair after he sacrificed his life, his happiness, his everything for it. He deserved so much more than that, he deserved an actual life far away from the puppeteers that would control his strings just because of a prophecy.

For now you would be holding this doomed child in your arms until the day he would tell you to let go. Only then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: And so we are at the introduction of what will be the Naboo arc! Next time we see Reader and Anakin, he'll be five already and show the first strong inklings of his foce sensitivity :) Next chapter will be added tomorrow ✌️


	3. Tilting axis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it is the night before Anakin’s fifth birthday and you’re about to share some of your home’s culture with him. However, life just doesn’t work that way.

"So what do you even need all of that for?" your favorite merchant, Ahsala, asked before quickly adding: "Not that I am complaining or anything! We do love your money here.”

You handed over the credits you’d been carrying with you for these exact purchases into her open hand but hesitated for just a bit before answering.

"I'm going to cook something from home for Anakin's birthday tomorrow. You might even get some leftovers, my friend, if you don't ask any further questions."

She rolled her eyes at your evasiveness just as she had been doing for years by now.  
"Keep your secrets, you recluse! One day you are going to tell me all about your secret family recipe voluntarily, just you wait, you'll see! Anyway enough with the dramatics, give Anakin this for me."

She showed you a small beige package, about the same length as your elbow measured to your shoulder, and stuffed it into the smaller one of your two grocery bags with an excited smile. You offered her your most charming smile, the one you only reserved for Anakin and the likable ones of your gambling companions.

"Oh," you shouted before you forgot to warn her. "Just so you know, it's going to be very spicy. Like really spicy!"

And with that you were back on your way home, navigating through the masses of people that too called Therea their home. Still not as bad as Mos Espa on a bad day, you thought as you struggled to avoid a large group of children running in the busy street.

This was one of the days you missed Tatooine which was ironic since you spent your whole life planning how to get off it as soon as possible.

You had always been somewhat reluctant about explaining your folk's traditions to an outsider like Ahsala. Not because you didn't like to share but rather because deep inside you felt like they would never truly understand. It had been ingrained inside you from birth. Even though you had resisted, enough of Tatooine's culture had become a part of you to not be able to be overlooked when you settled on Naboo.

While you'd never say it out loud your reluctance had partly been due to the way some Nabooian's had been treating you. Your accent, which you had never actually thought about in the past, continued to serve as the advertising sign of your "poor Outer Rim education" as many called it. It didn't matter that you actually were properly educated. Outer Rim was all they heard before losing all interest. Or rather this had been the case so far in every interview you have had so far since arriving on Naboo and this was a major point of aggravation for you by now. You could only hope Anakin wouldn't continue to pick up your dialect Basic as he had been doing so far and rather assimilate the one his schoolmates were going to speak when he started school next year.

What you were going to share with Anakin was a custom as old as time in the village you hailed from but it was practiced all over Tatooine, though you preferred the variation of your home. It certainly tasted better and it was the last thing you had left as proof the person your parents had raised actually existed. However, small part of yourself needed to prove something to yourself too, that you actually were of Mother Tatooine's blood.

You had to substitute many of the ingredients that you knew even Ahsala's part of the black market wouldn't be able to smuggle in for you, since they were local to Tatooine and weren't all too common to find on Naboo without paying a lot of money you certainly didn't have. And maybe because they were illegal here as well, but whatever. You could make do.

Once a child has lived to see the age of five a feast was prepared. The family would come together on the night before the birthday to prepare a stew which would be served for five nights and five days in celebration of the child’s survival. There would be dancing and laughter, especially once the elders had drunken enough to tell the tales of younger days where the Krayt Dragons lived among mankind until one day a cunning human managed to steal the biggest Krayt pearl right under the dragons noses. This had been your brother's favorite story. You could vividly remember him taking one of your father's coats and dunning it his cape, before going of to play dragons vs. humans with his friends. You couldn't quite remember if he had been dragon or human. Not that it mattered anyway. You had never cared about those fairytales very much. Why listen to false tales when you could explore the vast galaxy in your books?

Now all those years later it was about to be your turn to share your village's legend with Anakin and you were glad you did not forget this sole tale. At least one you should be able to offer your son.

Though even getting to this point did take a lot of effort and mental strength from you. Oh not because it made you sad, rather because one of your more insistent clients just couldn't take a hint and had given you a major headache with his consistent attempts at changing your mind. So you'd politely repeated that no you wouldn't be available for the rest of the weeks and then watched him stalk away to bother someone else. Well more like you had 'politely' pointed your blaster at him but you wouldn't go around admitting to that if anyone were to ask. That wouldn't be good for business. However, you were fairly sure he would be back. Because quite simply there wasn't anyone around who could best you at your field, which was a fact you were very comfortable with.

You arrived in front of a big blue complex built to resemble a flower, the center serving as a garage for the inhabitants speeder bikes and ships (as long as the latter of those didn't exceeded a specific amount of space, which luckily your ship didn't). Your and Anakin's apartment was in one of the small 'petal' complexes.

After struggling with the broken door for a few minutes, because the landlady just couldn't get around to fix the sensor no matter how often you complained (god you couldn't wait for her to drop dead), you finally got inside and stepped into the elevator.

Hopefully Anakin had behaved for the babysitter, the old lady being the only neighbour you actually liked, especially since she babysitted him for free.

You stepped towards your door, placed the bags on the ground and flashed your keycard to the sensor. At least this one wasn't malfunctioning. Yet. As soon as you stepped inside you were greeted by an excited shout and grabby little arm pulling you into a hug.

"Ma, you're home! I missed you! Ooh, what's this?" he asked and pointed to the bags you had taken up again, his attention now fully on them.

You swallowed down the incoming wave of feelings and smiled down at him. Hearing him call you "Ma" was simply a bit too much so close to his birthday, Shmi's last day alive. Any other day it didn't other you, just during these times you'd always feel immense amounts of guilt for taking her place in his life.

"I missed you too. And this, you little snooper, is a secret. Now shoo off and say goodbye to Mrs. Rediei, will you? You didn't cause her any trouble, right Ani?"

You tousled his hair and gave Mrs. Rediei a friendly nod before walking into the kitchen.  
Anakin, of course, followed along right beside you after closing the door behind the old woman, and tried his best to glimpse at whatever you were carrying in those grocery bags.

"Do you still wanna know what this is?"

"Yes!"

"You know, a special someone's fifth birthday is tomorrow and that's why I'm going to cook something amazing tonight for us to eat then," you whispered as if you were hiding a big secret, while you unpacked the first bag, placing the ingredients along the kitchen aisles. The other normal items that you had bought were simply put in the refrigerator, minus the Ahsala's present which you quickly hid in a cabinet before Anakin could spot it.

"Do you want to help me and be my assistant?" you asked and continued on after Anakin gave you an energetic nod in response. "Alright! but only if you don't grumble when I send you to bed tonight. Otherwise you won't get any presents, you hear me? Oh I was just kidding!"

You laughed. You could be a bit mean at some times but Anakin knew you loved him. You told him so every night after reading him his bedtime story, and you meant it.

You could see him weighing in his options, his little face scrunched in thought. It was written all over his face. Until finally: "Okay."  
Wow, he was very wordy today. Maybe you should sent him to bed already, him growing silent was a sure sign that he was getting tired. But you'd promised to let him help you which was a promise you would keep.

You walked over to the wardrobe area and kicked off your shoes, which you neatly placed next to your boots and Anakin's three colourful pairs. Your eyes fell on the table in the center of the room and then to the growing darkness outside of your window.

"Ani! Can you please put the bowl on the table into the sink? You just put it in there. I will clean it fast and then we'll go right to cooking! I'll be right over, just let me finish this," you called over your shoulder while lightning the candles on the window sill.  
And then you suddenly spotted the reflection of the small glass bowl in the window as it was rising through the air towards Anakin as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him.

You couldn't hold back the startled curse you let out.

The bowl fell to the floor, shattering into thousands of pieces, taking it all hopes of Anakin ever having a normal life with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before but as you’ve noticed by now, Kuebiko will involve many of my personal head canons for Tatooine’s culture as will other upcoming works in this series :) I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and hopefully you had fun reading it :P


	4. Choices and decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Reader has to choose and live with the consequences. Because parenting is never easy.

Anakin may be the smartest child you knew but in the end he was still a child, a crying child unsure of what he had done wrong. 

"Anakin, I need you to listen to me. Please look at me, I am not angry at you." You put the last pieces of glass in the garbage bin and and sighed. "You hear me, I am not angry at you. You didn't do anything wrong! Just please... stop crying."

Seeing him cry made you want to cry too, sensation almost as strong as Shmi's intoxicating anger had been almost five years ago. He was broadcasting his emotions so strongly, so deeply that you felt as if they were your own and you placed a shaking hand on your forehead.

How could you tell this crying boy that his abilities weren't something he should be scared of when you were about to prohibit him from telling or showing them to anybody else in the same breath.

You sat down next to Anakin on the couch, the evening you'd planned long forgotten, as you placed a hesitant hand on his little blond head before stroking softly through his hair.

"I need you to promise me something. Can you do this for me?"

Anakin only sniffed in response. His eyes had become puffy and red and you wondered if he would have to shed more tears in the future because of the decisions you were about to make. Sometimes you wondered if you were even the right person for this job, if you weren't going to ruin his life, his future in some way. How could you ever be enough? You let go of him and buried your face in your hands. He shouldn't have to see you cry.

"You can't do these kind of thing outside of home, if they see, if anyone sees... Bad people will come to take you away, away from home and away from me even if you miss me, even if you don't want to. They will promise you the stars and glory, but in the end they will only- They will make you feel lonely and alone. I don't want this for you and I know that it isn't my choice to make, but you are so young. I don't understand- I don't understand how anyone could look at you and not see this sweet little angel but rather a tool. "

You were mostly talking to yourself than to Anakin, he couldn't yet understand what you were truly talking about, that you were talking about something deemed inevitable. His destiny.

You finally lifted your head out of your hands and looked at him.  
You felt bad, even ashamed. Not for talking badly about the Jedi, because you truly thought of them that way. To you Palpatine and the Jedi Order were all the same just in different masks, different facets of heartless puppeteers. You were ashamed because you were scaring Anakin. You were scaring him, planting roots of fear to save him from the Jedi, and you knew, oh you knew how selfish you were being and cruel. But was there any other way? If there was, you couldn't see it.

"Ani, you need to keep this, what you can do between us, our secret. And I, I will teach you how to keep it under wraps until you don't have to be scared anymore so that one day you can save yourself and won't need me. Because you will be so strong, stronger than those monsters-"

"Even stronger than you?"

"Yes," you smiled at him. "Even stronger than me."

You pat down on your thigh with a sense of finality and stood up.

"Are you hungry? I sure am!"

Anakin nodded and followed you into the kitchen where you served two plastic bowls of cereal, one for you and one for your boy. When Anakin had finally finished you had already put the last of the spices in the pot that was still on the stove. You hoped this day hadn't ruined the birthday the following day. What a birthday that would be, probably the worst one Anakin would ever have, you thought in secret.

After putting the dirty dishes in the sink, you'd bend down and took Anakin in your arms t carry him to bed. When had he gotten so heavy? 

Anakin's room hadn't changed much in the years since you first furnished it. A few toys added here and there, a new bigger bed and of course Bruno. Bruno was Anakin's beloved teddy bear, white with black dots all over and big dark eyes, that you had gifted hi on his first birthday. Since then one hear had been chewed off by Anakin and some of the stuffing was coming loose out of his left leg, but you could see that Anakin loved him none the less.

You kicked the door shut behind you and prayed to whatever gods had sent you into this universe, that your neighbours wouldn't come home for a few hours. If they woke up Anakin yet again you would turn to violence, you had no patience this time around, not today.

Anakin yawned and you slowly but steadily placed him in his bed, careful not to hit your head on his mobile, before tucking him in. Then you sat down on the edge of the bed, slightly farther away from him than you usually did. You weren't sure if it was by accident and you were glad Anakin hadn't said anything, because you were sure he had noticed. He was always such a perceptive child.

You didn't like to bring this up again. You would rather ignore this and just play pretend for a while just like you had before. You had always known this day would come. How could you not? You were raising Anakin Skywalker. There was a reason why you hadn't given him your last name, why you hadn't gotten rid of the last thing connecting him to who he 'should be'.  
Partly out of guilt for having made Shmi's child yours in all but name but also to remind yourself of who it was you were raising, you should never forget it.

"Ani, people will always want something from you," you started. "Always, even when they tell you they don't. It's in our nature to want. It's what makes us human, what connects all of us."

"And what do _you_ want from me, Ma?"   
Anakin buried his face in Bruno's chest. He probably knew he wasn't getting a bedtime story today or had he always wondered since you'd told him the truth of his heritage?

"I? I want you to live a happy life, the best life you can get, one where you can make all the choices you want, one where you don't have to be scared. That's all I want from you, Ani," you said extended a hand towards him. He eyed it for a moment, hesitant and uncertain, and then took it into his own.

You would fight till the very end if it meant Anakin got to live a life which he served no one but himself. He deserved that and so much more. This incarnation of Anakin Skywalker would be He would be happy and he would be safe and he would call no one master. He was your son and you loved him.

"We are family and family we will always be, forever. Do you know why?"

"Because we bleed for each other," he answered and gave your hand a squeeze.

"That's right, because we bleed for each other. It's what family is about, even if other people say differently." 

You were so tired.

"I want you to remember this. You could never ever disappoint me, I will always be proud of you no matter what you do, no mater who you will become. I will be there by your side, so please..."

"I know, Ma. I'm going to tell you if I-" He yawned again. " If I can do more."

"Alright," you whispered and gave him a hug. "Sleep well, tomorrow will be your big day, so you need to be all awake!"

You could only hope that he wouldn't be plagued by nightmares again, though you expected to be in this room again shortly, holding a sweat soaked Anakin, as you did every night. Just for once he should get to be a normal child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well let’s hope Reader hasn’t put something worse in motion with that talk. Not that she’d know what is to come though someone else might :)
> 
> I hope I got across Reader’s conflicted feelings correctly, I certainly wouldn’t want to be in her situation - normal children can be a lot to deal with but the chosen one? I would have a breakdown already lmao I’m already way too neurotic with my little brother.


	5. Anakin’s birthday | Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin turns five and for once everything seems to be going right for you...

It was in the early hours of the morning that you opened the door to Anakin's room.

Anakin was still asleep, chewing on the teddybear in his arms, and snoring.  
He could have been mistaken for an angel in this state. His expression so careless and free, for once not contorted by horrifying nightmares. He looked at peace.

You crouched down next to his bed.

"Happy Birthday!" you whispered and snuggled him into your arms, accidentally pushing his bear off the bed.

"Yes, happy birthday to me!" Anakin yawned, even looking a bit shy in his sleepy state.

You made space for him to get out of bed and moved towards his dresser. You were about to pull out a drawer when Anakin interjected.

"I want to dress myself today! I don't need you to do it anymore, Ma."

A bit taken a back you stepped aside to let him access it himself.

"If you decide against something _please_ put it back where it belongs after you've taken it out!" you stressed firmly and with the worst case scenario already in mind.

You hadn't forgotten about the disaster he had caused last year when he decided he didn't like **any** of his clothes anymore. You'd found shirts stuffed behind furniture for weeks after you'd made done with the mountain of clothes on his floor.

You left Anakin in his room to do his bidding.

In the time it took him to dress, you'd already turned on the stove and done the rest of the dishes.

When Anakin eventually did walk out of his room, he was a walking talking fashion disaster. The sleeves of his black shirt were too long and flowery, his pants were a shrill combination of the rainbow (they must have been a gift by someone else, you certainly would not have bought them) and he wasn't even wearing any socks.

He looked utterly adorable.

You had to fight hard with yourself to stifle your snort. You knew he'd take offense to that. You'd allowed him to pick out his clothes on his own, so you would keep your thoughts to yourself, at least today. Tomorrow was another story.

But on the other hand you weren't a fashion expert either.

"Can I watch some holo-tv?" Anakin asked, already excited for the new episode of his favorite show.

"Sure, birthday boy. Just let me look for the- ah! There it is!"  
You fished the remote out from behind a couch pillow and activated the holo-tv.

"Catch!" you called and threw the small remote into Anakin's direction. Which of course he he did.

You stepped out of living room and switched course for your own chamber, quietly opening and then closing the door, however, only just enough so that you could still hear what Anakin was doing in the living room.

Most of the time you were wearing plain clothes like you had on Tatooine for the majority of your life. Partly out of comfort and the sense of home these clothes brought you but also because you'd rather spend your money on beautiful clothing for Anakin than for yourself. You just had to pretend that sticking out like a sore thumb weren't bothering you and that the stares didn't make you feel ashamed - and then any day was a go.

You looked once again behind you to make sure that only the smallest slit was open, before stripping yourself out of your sleep wear until you were only left in your underwear.

However, today you would be dressed like any other woman on Naboo would be. Only a bit hesitant took out a piece of soft lilac-blue fabric out of your closet and pulled it over your head. The dress was strikingly similar to the slowly darkening sky in the afterglow of the sunset. Perfect for today.

Still plain by Naboo's standards but not as 'abhorrent' as your usual clothes. For once you didn't feel like an imposter but instead rather nostalgic for a world you couldn't ever see again. Just because your one good dress reminded you of the clothing you had once upon a time admired on the statues of the Ancient Greeks.

But this wasn't the time to waste water over wasted feelings.

With another grab into the closet you pulled out the two carefully wrapped presents you had been hiding from Anakin for about two months. You looked down at them lovingly, sincere in the hope that he would like them and not be disappointed.

You stuck them underneath your arms, the boxes waggling just enough to give you a bit of a scare and now holding them tighter. You _carefully_ , walked up to the door step by step and _carefully_ waggled your foot into the space of the door you'd left open only to have Anakin immediately spring up at you the moment you stepped back into the living room.

Luckily it would be years until he'd be tall enough to grab anything from underneath your arms, however, that did not mean he wouldn't try to use the Force instead. You should have expected it, you sighed internally before letting go and allowing the gifts to fly into the air and then into Anakin's grubby little hands.

You only grimaced a little bit but you shook it off quickly. If you showed discouragement like you had yesterday, you certainly wouldn't be able to help him deal with his powers. You truly were proud, not quite without fear, but proud nonetheless.

"Good job, Ani!" you cheered. Followed by a simple gesture of your right hand with that you finally gave him the go to unwrap his presents.

You walked through the open space towards the kitchen, pulling out the bowls and spoons out of the cupboards. Then after having turned around once more to see what Anakin was doing, you also checked on the present the merchant Ahsala had given you for Anakin yesterday. He'd get to have that later, you decided with a chuckle and closed the cupboard again.

"Ma! Look, look!" Anakin screeched happily.

Tucked into his hands was a small yellow N-1 starfighter including a miniature astrodroid in the fighter's cockpit. A perfect copy of the starfighter ten year old Anakin Skywalker would have flown during the Battle of Naboo.

You smirked. That was one way to use your knowledge of the Star Wars Universe to your favor. So far there hasn't been a birthday where he hadn't gotten anything from you he didn't adore - some would call it cheating, however, in front of Anakin you would merely call it 'motherly intuition' with a cheeky smile.

"Don't you want to see what's in the other one?" you asked with a nod towards the other box Anakin hadn't yet unwrapped.

You'd found a small second hand droid during one of your trips into the inner city and immediately known that that was the one. It would need a lot of work done and wasn't the best give to any normal five year old - however, Anakin wasn't any other five year old.  
And you couldn't wait for him to see it.

"I want to open it later, because then I can be excited longer."

You couldn't really fault that logic. Especially since _he_ didn't know that there was another present hidden in one of the cupboards.

You filled two bowls with the steaming stew (thank the Maker for the technology here, on Earth it'd would have taken way longer for it to heat up!), put the spoons into them, and walked up to the couch where Anakin was sitting. There you placed the bowls on the table.

You walked back to the refrigerator to get a bottle of blue milk as was customary.  
This was one of the many times you wished for a serving droid. But this was life, you grumbled with a huff.

"Blow on it first, Ani," you reminded him first after having sat down. Then you yourself began to eat. Force, had you missed this! It was the taste of home. The taste of your mother's cooking you'd always secretly loved but had never admitted to. Just like you'd never admit to anyone but yourself that you did miss Tatooine and the family you left behind on there.

**____**

After both of you finished your breakfast and brushed your teeth, you suggested to Anakin that if he found some socks maybe the two of would visit the nearby playground. That got him going into his room at incredible speed.

You turned the holo-tv off and stepped into your clean set boots. You only had the choice between the pair you had already worn yesterday and this one, so you'd have to make do. You barely stopped yourself from deciding which of his shoes Anakin should wear, he probably wanted to make that choice himself.

It didn't take too long before you were outside of the apartment building, walking hand in hand along Naboo's beautiful landscape. More fields and flowers than you'd ever seen in the entire time you'd spent on Tatooine, sometimes you still marveled at their foreign beauty-

"I'm tired of walking."

"Hold on just a little while longer, Anakin. See the tree over there?" you asked and pointed about twenty meters further into the distance. "If we turn around that corner, we'll be there."

Now he was the one to stride ahead and trying to pull you along behind him.

The first incident already took place when the moment you turned around that corner, Anakin halted in front of some rose bushes. He was about to reach out towards them, possibly to rip a rose or to push a hand inside, when you softly pulled him back. You weren't going to take that chance.

"Anakin, don't. Look at the thorns," you chided before tugging him towards the big sandbox with a climbing frame on top of it.

Unlike you Anakin did not like the sandbox or the sand, especially after he accidentally stepped on sandcastle you had been building together for over half an hour. But at least that freed you from having to build a sandcastle more than once today, you thought after having consoled and brushed sand off of him.

Luckily for you he enjoyed the swings.

"I'm flying! Higher, Ma, higher!" Anakin cheered.

"Yes, Ani! You're flying!" you said and gave him another push.

And then your work comm beeped.

You stepped a bit behind Anakin as not to accidentally get hit by him, and checked who it was that thought to bother you. You couldn't wrap your head around the people unable to even comprehend the simplest of boundaries. If you said you were unavailable for this week then that was the way it was. What was so hard about it to understand?

You were already about to decline the call when you realized who it was that was calling you. Not one of your low-level clients you could ignore or force to reschedule.

This was a big fish and you would have to take this call.

You couldn't let this call go unanswered but you also couldn't take it here where Anakin could hear. _Where Anakin could not be seen_.

You turned your head towards Anakin, your hands already nervously fiddling with the comm. He was swinging happily completely unaware of your inner conflict.

"Ani, I'm just going over there," you pointed to a bench in the distance. "To take a call for a second. Then we'll go home and have some cake with Mrs. Rediei! It's not going to take long, so please, stay here."

Anakin only gave you an enthusiastic nod in response as he swung higher and higher on the swing, a gleeful smile on his face.

You gave him one last smile before walking off in the opposite direction, your thumb already accepting the call.

**____**

You wouldn't have peace for a while, not after this call.

You wouldn't get to spend this week solely with Anakin and your friends like any other person. You would be spending the majority of this week staking out in the Cantinas with other criminals hired by your client, planing how to do your clients bidding.

But did you have another choice? You couldn't get another job, not here on Naboo where they didn't respect you, where you couldn't get a legal job as an off-worlder from the Outer-Rim.

If those people had looked beyond your heritage, your accent, then you wouldn't have to live like this... You wouldn't have to live a life of crime.

This was no better than working for Gardulla. Just as dangerous, just as unethical, just as despicable and illegal! And you weren't even sure if one day you simply wouldn't come home. If one day Anakin would be waiting and waiting for you but you wouldn't-

Sometimes you hated your life.  
Sometimes there was nothing you wished more for than just to disappear. Just take Anakin and leave. You hid your eyes behind your hands.  
But this was what had gotten you into this mess into the first place, wasn't it?

You pulled your hands away and got up from the hard wooden bench and began walking back to Anakin.

As the playground grew in size, so did the overwhelming feeling of something being wrong. You had never ran so fast in your life. It didn't take long for you to realize why - you couldn't hear, couldn't see Anakin anymore.

"Anakin!"

The swings were empty, the one he had been sitting on still swaying in slowing movements. Your chest tightened. Maybe he just didn't feel like swinging anymore?  
You turned towards the big climbing frame with the slide.  
He wasn't there either.

He wouldn't have left, you knew that. You'd taught him not to talk with strangers, reminded him over and over again. He wouldn't have left. But with if someone had taken him?

Now you were getting frantic, your breaths kept turning shallow as the vortex in your stomach grew.

"Anakin!" you called out, desperate and your heart pounding.

There were other dangers in the world besides the Jedi and the Sith. Other kinds of evil... He could already be lying in a ditch somewhere, crying for you, hurting- No you couldn't think like that. You couldn't.

Then you heard it. A noise that sounded like-

"Ma!"

"Anakin!"

Anakin's yell was coming from the bushes you had walked by earlier. You did not hesitate for a second before crawling into them. Ignoring the painful scratching of thorns was surprisingly easy when it came to the safety of your child.

The first thing you noticed when you saw Anakin were the streaks of dirt were all over his face. There were also quite a few pink gashes on his nose and his forehead, you noted, most likely or the thorns. Patches of grass and moss clung to his clothes and in his arms he was holding a small white kitten that was very much struggling in his tight embrace. But he was safe, he was _alive_. He had only been following the cat. Like any other child would. He hadn't been taken away...

"This is why you left the playground?" You were stuck between crying and laughing hysterically. You tried to wipe away the stray tears that were rolling down your stinging cheeks but it only proved to be futile. You couldn't stop crying.

"I'm sorry, Ma. I'm sorry! Please stop crying! I just saw the cat and it was like it- Like a call! I had to follow it!" Anakin tried to explain, while holding the cat even closer to his chest.

"Oh you had to?" you questioned, slowly taking the small kitten out of Anakin's arms and into your own. It almost weighed nothing, as light as your own datapad. It concerned you.

"Yes, I had to!" Anakin insisted and crossed his arms again, now kitten-less and pouting.

"Anakin. Anakin, listen to me. Don't you ever do something like this again. I told you not to leave, didn't I?" You crouched down further to his height, pressing your forehead against his.

"Yes, Ma but-"

"Ani, you need to think about how what you do affects the way _other_ people feel. To everything you do there is a reaction. It's important to remember that, okay?"

"Are you angry at me?" Anakin asked quietly.

"This isn't me being angry. I'm only- I'm just trying to make you underst-" you sighed.  
"Nothing is as important as you are for me. Nothing. Those minutes when I couldn't find you were the worst I ever underwent, Ani. But I am not angry."

Anakin nodded tearily and took your unoccupied hand into his own.

"I understand and I am sorry."

"Then," you began. "You will also understand that we'll have to take _your_ new pet to the doctor, right? So how about you and I come out of these bushes now and go home? I'd like that very much, Ani."

He smiled at you, his grin already missing some his baby teeth and his hair completely tussled. It was the sweetest little smile one could ever imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all of you that still remember the way I started this story - I hope you get a bit of a foreboding feeling muhahah 
> 
> Writing this chapter took way longer than any other chapter. Mostly because I’ve already written some chapters that happen after this beforehand and then I just couldn’t find the words to write this one and instead preferred writing on the future ones :/
> 
> (I’ve already gotten quite a bit of teenage Ani and of course already the ending)
> 
> Anywayyy, I hope you liked this one and aren’t to cross with me for the long wait :)
> 
> ———  
> Fun bit of trivia: Before I wrote the original Kuebiko One Shot, I was actually writing in a story where the Reader was reborn into the body of Palpatine’s mom and was very much torn between throwing baby Palps into the closest river and burdening the Jedi with them.
> 
> But that was way to cracky for my taste and then I started writing Kuebiko lmao Because I sure do love Angst.


	6. Anakin’s birthday part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the awesome Ohgodmyeyes <3 You are a literal godsend and I hope you’re having a great day!

"So, are you ready to be stitched up now, Ani?"

You held up a hand full of colourful bacta-patches. You'd even found a few with podracers on them much to Anakin's delight. You didn't have the heart to tell him there wasn't actually anything needing to stitching, however, if pretending was making this more fun for him then why shouldn't you?

He took it bravely, not even wincing at the sting of the Bacta on his skin.

You plastered another smooch on Anakin's cheek, making him giggle.

"Here. All done my little brat. Now you can shoo off and open the present you wanted to save up for later."

And you had been right. Anakin did like the droid you bought him While he'd have to fix a lot until it'd get running again, he was happy. You hadn't disappointed him. Relief.

"Thank you!"

You smiled back at him, for once content with the life you'd been given here. As long as Anakin was happy, you'd be to.

"Can we go pick up Snowy from the doctor now?"

You chuckled. "Anakin, it's only been an hour. We can visit her soon, alright? Be patient."

"I _am_ patient," Anakin protested.

"Sure you are, having waited for your presents for so long. Surely you... can wait a bit longer for your cat."

You frowned. There was that nasty feeling of having forgotten about something in the forefront of your mind. You shrugged. If you'd forgotten it, it certainly could not have been that important.

"Why are you scrunching your face like that?"

"Nothing, Ani," you snorted. Already five and such a mouthful. "You can go watch some holo-tv if you want or begin working on your little droid over there." You nodded towards the little assembly of yellow parts. "I'll stay here being all grumpy by myself."

Then something clicked. Oh right!

"Ani, wait! Oh god I'd totally forgotten."

You fished the present Ahsala had given you for Anakin out of it's hiding place in the cupboards, weighing it carefully with your hands. It wasn't too heavy. Rather it wasn't heavy at all, so what was it? You had to admit you were curious.

"This is from Ahsala. You know the nice lady we always get our groceries from," you supplied, knowing exactly that Anakin probably did not remember.

Anakin ripped into the packaging like a feral animal.

"Say thank you the next time we see her."

"Yes, Ma!" He was most likely rolling his eyes.

You activated your datapad, smiling to yourself as you were about to take a few pictures for the family photo album, and almost dropped it at the sight of the of the blaster in Anakin's hands.

"Oh no. Oh no no no."

You took the blaster right out of Anakin's hand, stuffing it back into the packaging immediately.

"You won't get to have that in a while," you said sternly. "Sorry, Ani. But you know why."

If there was one rule in this house you would upkeep than it would most definitely be: No weapons in remote proximity of Anakin. There was a reason why you didn't let you blaster lie out in the open anymore. The one time Anakin had gotten his hands on it when he was three you barely managed to stop him from accidentally blasting his own head off. He'd cried for hours after you'd hit the blaster out of his grubby little toddler hands and you'd gladly refrain from ever going through such an event again.

You counted yourself lucky he wasn't throwing a temper tantrum now. You hadn't had one of those in a while.

Still, this was very much awkward. Even you could admit that.

"Ma, I'm hungry," Anakin said, eyeing the fridge. "Can I have some cake?"

"Sure you can."  
You were glad he'd provided you with an out and you were pretty sure he'd done that on purpose.

While Anakin wolfed down the last pieces of his birthday cake (a tradition you'd brought with you from Earth) watching his favorite show on the holo-tv, you filled your bowl with another portion of your wonderful Tatooinian stew. The rich taste of spices even made you salivate a bit. It wasn't as good as your mom's but you were extremely proud of it.

You sat down on the couch and placed your bowl on the table. You wouldn't try your luck of not accidentally spilling something on yourself or the cushions.

Then you addressed Anakin.  
"You can go knock across the hallway and ask Mrs. Rediei if she wants to come over to eat with us. Since she's always here helping me out and watching over you."

Anakin nodded.  
"Will do!"

"But," you added. "Don't be too loud when closing the door, alright? You know how our neighbours like to complain about noise."

Even though they've been the ones being loud for more than five years.

You were about to raise the spoon to your mouth- When you heard Anakin crying, screaming for you. You didn't hesitate a second, springing up immediately to grab your blaster from it's hiding space underneath the couch, and stormed out of the apartment door.

The scene you came across made your blood boil.  
Anakin was cowering in a lone corner of the hallway as a big neon green lizard sat in front of him, hissing and showing a strong array of very sharp looking teeth. You recognized it. It belonged to your neighbours, the very same ones that didn't know the meaning of the word 'quiet'. You scowled. That was just lovely.

You lowered your blaster. You really didn't want to start a conflict by _getting rid_ of the lizard.

But that didn't mean you wouldn't intimidate it through your size and the volume of your voice.

"Hey!" you screamed and locked eyes with it. You took another step towards them and shouted once more as you came nearer. That was enough for it, it scuttled off into another hallway faster than you could look, leaving only you and Anakin in the dimly lit hallway.

You pulled your son up by your hand. "Are you alright?" you asked.  
You glanced over him. No bites or scratches. Only the ones from earlier. "Are you hurt?"

Anakin sniffed and shook his head.

"Come, Anakin." You tugged him back to the open door of the apartment by his shoulder. "We'll visit her another day. I think we over-tried our luck for one day."

"But, Ma! It's not my fault!" Anakin cried.

"No, Ani, it's not your fault and I didn't say it was a punishment. I'm just done and I don't want to start fighting because you haven't done anything and I know that, so please just come back inside. Let's not do this today."

The next hours were a nightmare.  
 **______**

It was late at night when you finally got to close your eyes and lie in bed.

You mentally went through the events that had transpired today and were planing your to do list for tomorrow as well. It was a relaxing task, or rather for you. It was almost as good as flying your ship. Oh, you hadn't done that in so long, you sighed. One day you would again, you and Anakin, and then you were going to show him the galaxy.

The quiet was nice. Having room to hear your own thoughts was even better.  
You would drop by the vet to check on the cat tomorrow and the day after that you would as well. Until the small kitten was healthy enough to be taken home. But for now you'd sleep.

Yet the soothing quiet didn't follow you into your dreams.

_A tear in the nights sky, cracks, falling apart. The lights illuminating it ceasing one by one, slowly, until the last vanished, leaving you behind.  
And then you were ripped into life again._

You dreamt of dying.

**______**

In the morning you awoke to the putrid smell of smoke and a fire in your kitchen.  
Anakin had tried to make breakfast for you on his own. Luckily you woke up early enough to put out the burning eggs in the pan before the fire extended to more than just the stove.

When it was all done you finally felt the exhaustion of the last days creep into you. The Force, Anakin being lost, the dog, the fire... Everything. You were tired and you desperately wanted to cry. But you know you couldn't.

"Anakin, please," you begged. "What did I tell you about going into the kitchen on your own?"

Anakin mumbled something ineligible.

"What?" you inquired firmly.

"I am not allowed to touch the stove."

"Then why didn't you listen? I thought we agreed to behave. Did you forget about that?"

"I don't know."

You sighed. "Go sit over there," you gestured towards the living room. "On the couch while I clean this up." The first tendrils of a headache crept up into your mind as you struggled to withhold your subdued anger. Screaming at him would never be an option and neither would crying, even if you really wanted to. But you had already cried so much over the last days that you doubted there were any left to spill.

You couldn't look Anakin in the eyes.

"Just be... just be quiet."

**______**

You weren't enough to take care of him alone. You couldn't be there twenty four seven, the last two days had already shown you that. No not shown - you'd already suspected it before that you were failing. These last days had just given you more reason to believe so. You couldn't go on like this - you couldn't let him suffer under your irregular lifestyle any longer. Your conscience wouldn't allow it.

He had to have some stability in his life. Even if he wouldn't see it that way, might consider it you pushing him away...

"How about..." you started.

You watched Anakin gulping down a cup of tea. If only he knew what a terrible life would have awaited him if... You would never understand why. Why any of this was happening. For what reason. Why had you been sent here? It all seemed so meaningless, so stupid and yet you were here.

And yet you were here... Neither of which was Anakin's fault but sometimes in the darkest most desperate corners of your heart you couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't somehow his fault that you were here. That his mother died when she should have lived for twenty more years. And then you'd feel guilt, just like you were feeling now just watching him existing totally obvious to the dangers outside of the small constellation of his universe. He was innocent and he was your son. A son you'd protect with your life. But also a son who deserved better.

"How about I sent you to school a year early? Would you like that? Being around kids your own age. And," you added as your heart clenched around itself tightly, "You wouldn't be on your own so often. It wouldn't be so quiet around here if you were happier and you deserve more than this cold, lonely silence."

The new term rooster Anakin could join would start in three months, since on Naboo every three months a new rooster of students would begin school.

They had enough teachers and enough students plus tutelages from other Republic planets. And a government with it's focus on education for millennia’s. No other planet had sovereigns barely into their teens, it was a testament to Naboo's strength.

At first it had seemed weird to you, if you were being honest. Back on Earth things had not worked like this. But on the other hand in your first life there had not remotely been a place as prosperous as Naboo. It still seemed strange to you none the less. In some ways Earth was still ingrained within you, but it wasn't your home anymore.

This was the right choice.

 **Three months until the beginning of the end, a voice in the back of your mind whispered.**  
You ignored it. Because a small part of you did believe in a happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of the story so far? Any theories or questions? :)  
> ______________
> 
> I hope Readers emotions came across believable. The events of the last three chapters all happened over the cause of two days which is a lot to deal with. So please don’t judge her too hard.
> 
> We have at most five chapters left of five year old Ani. Those will be covering some of the events during three months until he begins school and establish some of Anakin’s core memories. After that there’s going to be a time skip of four years, however, I’ll say that again later on lmao 
> 
> I don’t remember if I said it here as well but I definitely mentioned it on ff.net: There are going to be a few time skips throughout the story so please don’t be startled. But I want to focus on multiple phases of Anakin’s development through the years and not go through every year in excruciating detail, one reason being that the majority of the story is going to focus on teenage/young adult Anakin (but it’s still a long way till there)  
> ________  
> Btw, I started a new tumblr account just for writing. If anyone wants to talk, exchange headcanons, has questions or just wants to scream at me to update regularly lmao: you’ll find me there lmao 
> 
> I’ll be posting there either way to keep myself motivated to actually begin following a regular upload schedule. 
> 
> There will probably be some sneak peeks there for future chapters and other stories. :)  
> The username is the same as here but here’s the link anyway: http://itohan.tumblr.com/


	7. The sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life returns to normality. You and Anakin go to the beach, he even makes a friend. All seems well if not for one thing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning in the end notes

“Ma, look! The sea!”

  
You readjusted the bag you were carrying over your shoulder. “Yes, Ani. That’s the sea.”

  
Going to the beach had been your idea. After a week your internalized anger and and frustration had passed and then guilt had come once again. You wanted to do something nice, something normal, for once. So why not show him the sea? He’d never been with you, there hadn’t been the time to go. At least, you sighed internally, at least you’d shown him how to swim.

It was as magnificent as you had remembered it to be. The wind, the sun, the crashing of the waves… Like home. You hadn’t seen it in so long. But you had to make the best of this life you had been given, nothing would come out of nostalgia.

“Ani, stop staring,” you said as you picked him up. He still was small enough to be carried by you but you remembered how tall Anakin Skywalker would become. You would take what you could get.“ The water’s not going to disappear if we walk further up the hill.”

“Is the sand here like the sand on the playground?” Anakin asked and gestured to be let down again. He took hold of your hand as you walked further.

“No,” you reassured him, taking a some sand and showing it to him. “Look, it’s fine and soft. There’s no stones in here, not like on the playground. Perfect for building your majestic sandcastle!”

You could understand where he was coming from, however, you doubted that any of the other children were going to throw sand at him. It had happened once when he was younger. You’d only looked away for a second and there he was, with a bloody gash on his face and sand in his eyes. You hadn’t gone to a playground with him for years, until recently.

While Anakin got out of his clothes you let the bag fall down and opened it. Food, sunscreen, water, towels, wet wipes- Ah. There was the blanket!

“I’m going to run down the hill.” Anakin informed you matter as factly.

“Hey wait!”

You hadn’t even applied sunscreen to him yet.

“Bye, Ma!”

  
And then he was gone, disappearing down the sandy hill you’d just stopped on. Where did he take all of that disobedience from?

  
Whatever, let him get a sunburn, let him learn his lesson. No, you shook your head. You were going to come down later after setting up your place here and then he was going to have to suffer though the sunscreen. You would not take no for an answer. Because it would have to be you who’d to take care of the burns later and you would do your best to avoid that.

You placed the blanket on the ground. This was the perfect place, in the shade but on top of the hill as well. You’d be able to keep an eye on Anakin all day without having to go in the water every time.

You got out of your day clothes and sat down in the bathing suit you’d been wearing underneath. After that you took out a towel and placed down behind you, the perfect pillow to lie down on. Which you did.

Fingers activated your datapad, putting in your passcode, and opened up the HOLO-NET. Then you began typing.

_”Academy of Therea – reviews”_

You hadn’t had that much time recently to continue your research on which school you should be sending to. You’d been working on multiple jobs from clients simultaneously and that took up a lot of your time. It always would and you hated it.

But so far you hadn’t had any luck with getting hired at a legal establishment. And if the Cantina hired you, you would not get paid enough to take care of Anakin, yourself, and your soon to be cat. You still had some of the funds left over from your years of working for Gardulla, however, those were for safekeeping if it ever came to the point that there was an emergency. If you stopped and worked at the Cantina, you would soon after need to take out of those funds.

So you had no other option but to stay where you were at. Being a criminal.

You swiped to the next site.  
“Great staff, excellent art’s program,” you read out loud. “Two of Naboo’s queens started their education within these halls.” That sounded promising. “However, recently-“

Two loud thuds.  
Another.

Anakin, having come back up, was now standing proudly in front of you.

He had not... He could not have?

“Anakin, please tell me you did not roll around in the sand,” you begged. However, there was no denying the obvious. You could see the damage. You could see _the sand_ falling down onto your clean blanket. You eyed your son warily.

And then he shook of the sand, getting it over everything and everywhere. The wonderfully clean blanket, you, his clothes and yours.

“Anakin!”  
You could not scream at him. Screaming is never the answer-

“Now you’ll have to come into the water with me!” Anakin declared.

You nodded in defeat and stowed away the datapad. Better be safe than have him drown... or do something else even more stupid. Plus you needed to get rid of the sand. Now.

**______**

“Ma, can I go play with my friend?”  
You stopped shaking out the blanket, honestly shocked.

“Your friend?”

Anakin pointed towards a boy a few meters down the hill, who was building a sandcastle and throwing tentative glances towards the two of you. When he noticed you looking at him, he offered a small wave before turning back to the castle.

The one time you look away to get rid of the sand disaster he’d caused and here he goes making friends. A true miracle and the first time anything good had happened when you looked away. You shuddered at the memories of Anakin running off towards danger or almost injuring yourself. You might be overbearing but not without reason. Because he gave you a lot of them.

Anakin was beaming!  
“His name is Kyu! He’s here with his mom just like me. He’s only four but really nice and he helped me finish my own sandcastle! Now we are building one together!”

You’d never seen him look so smug. Adorable. Here he was normal. Here he could be a kid.

“Alright, go off, Ani.” You brushed a hand though his mop of blond hair. “I’m going swimming, so don’t worry if I’m suddenly not sitting here anymore. I won’t be far away.”

“Have fun!”

Anakin didn’t even pick up his own shovel or a bucket. But it seemed like his friend had shared with him so far. That was good.

“You too!” you said. But he was already gone.

**______**

“Is that your son?” a soft voice asked next to you. Your shoulders tensed and you stopped drying yourself off with the towel you had been holding in your hands.

The voice belonged to a woman, only a few years older than you, who was struggling to carry a large array of beach toys. She looked just like the little boy Anakin was playing with.

“Oh yes! That’s my Anakin,” you replied and threw the towel next to your bag, barely missing it. Well nobody said you had to be good at throwing. You were better at shooting anyway....

You shrugged off the thought and cleared your throat. “Then you must be..?” you didn’t want to presume anything.

“Kyu’s mother, Hjigé,” she answered with a chuckle, letting a green shovel fall down in the process. Luckily you caught it for her.

You answered with your own name but refrained from placing the shovel at the top of the mountain of children’s toys in her arms. There was no way that wouldn’t fall over..

“You want any help? I wouldn’t mind,” you offered with a smile. “Since our boys seem to get along so well.”

“Oh thank you! I don’t even know what Kyu needs all those toys for,” Hjigé grumbled. She sighed with relief when you took half of the weight out of her arms. “I don’t see him playing with them, I see us carrying them around!”

You laughed.  
“I know that feeling. Anakin’s the same, always having me running after him.”

**______**

“Don’t get deep to the water without me! Only as far as I can see you! So only up to your shoulders, Anakin. And don’t you go anywhere with a stranger, no matter how nice they may seem! Also remember to come back for sun screen often enough.”

“I know! I’m not a baby!”

“Are you sure?”

“Hey!”

“I was only joking, Ani,” you said, laughing at him. You opened the cap of the sunscreen bottle. “Come here.”

“Ma, please.” Anakin suddenly said, very seriously. Too serious for you to take it without chuckling, but you remained from doing so. Barely. “I’m already five and if Kyu hears-“

“But-“ if you stopped yourself. From his perspective you might actually appear to be a bit overbearing. You couldn’t tell him why you were so paranoid, so afraid that anything could happen to him. You’d already scared him enough when you talked to him about his powers. Though that had been necessary. If he didn’t than how could he not decide to leave one day. Leave to fulfill a bogus destiny that would end in death and destruction-

“Oh god, “ you said, for once falling back on a saying you hadn’t said in years, trying to lift yourself out of your miserable mood. “I’m such a helicopter mother- This is embarrassing.”

“What’s a helicopter?” Anakin asked.

“Oh uh,” you grimaced, applying the last bit of sunscreen to his face.“It’s just a word I made up. Now go play with your friend down there, he’s been waiting for you down there at your sandcastle!”

You watched Anakin race down the hill.  
“And don’t go too deep into the water!”

“Yes, Ma!” he shouted back.

You looked after him, watched him until he run he crashed into Kyu and his mother, who’d been waiting for him down the hill.  
**______**

You blinked groggily. When had you even fallen asleep? You’d just closed your eyes and- You definitely were more exhausted than you’d thought you were.

You took a look at the time. Already the early hours of the afternoon had begun. It would be fine to go home now, you decided. You would still have to cook and do the laundry-

But Anakin was still playing in the sand with the other children of the beach. You couldn’t go home yet, it would be cruel.

**______**

You applied more sunscreen to Anakin’s back. He was already showing the first signs of a bit sunburn. He had not listened to you when you’d said to regularly apply sunscreen and look where that got him!

“Do you think we’ll see Kyu again next time we go the beach?”

“His mother and I exchanged details, so don’t worry. You’ll get to have your playdates,” you revealed. “But Ani, remember that we‘ll also be heading back home in half an hour. I don‘t want to hear you complaining later on that I didn’t say anything.”

“Okay! Can I go back down to the water? I think I saw something cool in it. Can I go look? Please, Ma, please,” he begged. More like whined.

“Sure. You still have half an hour like I said. But not too far, right?”

“I won’t,” Anakin replied, picking up his shovel and a bucket.

You finally got time to use your datapad. However, this time you weren’t checking up on potential schools for Anakin. You were trying to find any updates on your family.

During your last visits to the Cantina’s you’d picked up on hushed whispers of the Hutt’s enforcing an even harsher rule on Tatooine. Whispers you could not ignore. You might have left them and you might have disappointed them, but they were still your family.

You only needed to know how they were doing, nothing more...

Suddenly a shadow fell over your face. Blocking the sun. Something. Someone.  
“Ma.”

You put your datapad to the side to to see Anakin standing above in front of you.  
He could not have found a worse moment.

“Ma, my hands are dirty.”

“Just clean them in the water,” you replied, maybe even slightly peeved if you were honest. You propped yourself up. His hands were coated by a foul smelling thick blue substance. No wonder he couldn’t clean it off. Just your luck.

You turned over to your bag and pulled out the wet wipes you’d brought with you. Because one could not go out with a child without something going haywire.

“Sit down.” You used your other hand to pat down the space next to you. “Give me your hands.”

You wiped the wet wipe over the substance on his hands. It was sticky and it just would not come off.

“How’d you get this all over your fingers?”

Anakin’s nose scrunched up in distaste. “I fell in something.”

You clicked your tongue. The stuff just wouldn’t come off! What was that even? How come only your child seemed to get into the biggest messes imaginable?

You took out another wipe.

“Next time, look where you’re going, Ani. You don’t know where this might have come from, it could be poisonous, you know,” you chided.

There was already some progress, his hands were starting look a lot cleaner than before. At least he hadn’t been rolling around in the sand again, that would have made this even worse, you decided.

You frowned.

He’d said he had fallen but... There was no sand on his skin or on his bathing shorts. He wasn’t wet with water either. How’d he gotten the sand off his body?

“Hey Ani-“

Anakin’s lip wobbled.  
“Do you think it’s poison? Ma, will I- will I die now?

“No! Of course not, don’t worry!” you reassured and quickly stuffed the used wipes into your bag. You’d have to clean it out later either way.

“Are you sure?” He didn’t look convinced.

“Yes, of course! I won’t lie to you. Here, see?” You pointed at his hands. “All gone.”

“Can we go get some ice now?” Anakin asked, pointing at an ice cream vendor standing across a dune.

You’d just cleaned his hands! How could one child be so hungry all the time? But how could you say no to those big eyes? Easy answer, you couldn’t.

You sighed. “Let’s see if there’s even some ice left.” On the inside you prayed that there wasn’t. Next time you’d definitely say no.

You took Anakin by the hand and started your trek across the beach, already calculating how much the ice would cost you, while Anakin was smiling gleefully besides you. In the trouble you forgot all about Anakin’s lie. 

When you came back later, both eating an ice cream cone, you didn’t even think to question where the shovel and the bucket had disappeared to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Anakin kills an animal on the beach, when though offscreen.
> 
> Reader really is oblivious. Or is Anakin just good at pressing her buttons? 🤔 I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)
> 
> Anakin likes sand in this Au :D
> 
> I’ll upload chapter eight tomorrow, I didn’t want this one to be longer than it had to be, it would have ruined the flow. In it we’ll finally get to meet the cat and see how it fits in with this family.


	8. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then you got the cat.

"Put on your shoes," you called over your shoulder at Anakin who was sitting on his bedroom floor, completely immersed in the task of fixing his droid. It hadn't surprised you for him to be this passionate about it, however, ever since you got back from the beach earlier today he'd been working on it non stop.

"But why?" he complained, eyes fixating on a loose wire.

You slipped into your boots. "Because someone-" Where was your coat? You walked back into the living-room. It was right where you'd left it, on the couch.

You walked back into Anakin's room. He had not moved an inch.

You started again. "Someone seems to have forgotten about the cat we're going to pick up. I told you we were going to the vet after we've come home and eaten."

Anakin scrunched his eyebrows together.

"Do I have to?"

"Wasn't it you who risked it all by climbing into a rose bush, Ani? So, don't frown like this too."

Another wire was torn out by his hands, making you wince.

"I don't want to go, Ma!" He crossed his arms. "Can't I just stay here?"

You straightened your collar. "Not with that attitude. If you'd rather not come with me to get the cat _you wanted_ , then you can stay at Mrs. Rediei's. place until I come back to pick you up, but only if she allows you to. If she's busy you will be coming with me and there'll be no discussion about it."

He stood up wordlessly, a scowl on his face you would have to ignore. Yet he did go on to step into his shoes and wait by the door of your apartment.

You could feel your lips tear under the strength of your teeth, leaving behind the metallic taste of blood. How had you'd gotten so used to in this life? Your hands brushed over the skin of your face. Had you done something wrong? Was it something you did? The pit in your stomach wouldn't disappear, it only grew. Leaving you **uncomfortable** , **tired** , **afraid**.

A constant up and down.

You dropped Anakin off at Mrs. Rediei's apartment door without any incident. Even though you were annoyed with him, you didn't want to leave without a real goodbye.

You opened up your arms. But your mind was still closed, processing and thinking off his behavior today. Everything had started off so nice on the beach. What had changed?

"Will you behave?" you whispered.

"Yes."

"Then I won't have to worry," you said as you gave him a soft squeeze.

You took a step back, watching him with an uncertain smile as he stepped into the apartment that wasn't yours yet was almost his second home, felt your shoulders drop. And then you went out and down the hallway.

Half an hour later you were at the vet's office, watching a small white cat licking it's paws gleefully while you checked it out. Healthy and clean. There seemed to be no resemblance to the one Anakin had held so deeply in his arms only a short while ago, yet, yet it was one and the same. Now it would be yours.

"You like me, don't you?" You tickled Snowy's chin. "I've been visiting for a week, I think it's finally time for you to come home with me. Yes, we're going home."

**_____**

You felt the couch budge beneath a foreign weight. You let your eyes fall down at the culprit, the one to disturb you from reading. The cat.

"Oh now you want to cuddle?" Snowy only purred in response.

"Alright, but don't get used to it."

So you let her rest on your lap as you continued reading on your datapad.  
It was nice.

A creak, a thud and then a voice. "I'm back!"  
Anakin must have come home.

"Pshht," you cooed and softly pushed Snowy off you. "It's alright- you can go explore now."

"I'm over here," you called and got up to greet him.

**_____**

You sat down on the kitchen floor and began typing out a message on your comm. You couldn't use your datapad for this, doing so would only entice you further to continuously check up on Tatooine. You'd write them anonymously, they wouldn't ever have to know it was you. You just needed to know what was going on-

Snowy mewled somewhere in the back of the room.

"Anakin, not so rough."

But the mewling returned.  
You sighed. There's never a moment of your own is there? This time you shut your datapad off and let your head turn towards the sound. Won't he ever listen to-

Anakin sat on the couch, hands gripping tightly to Snowy's fur. Not stroking lovingly, just holding her as his fingers pressed into the flesh. Eyes staring down at her, observing every reaction, every flinch, every reaction.

You took the cat out of his arms and into your own, the small body instantly melting into you.

"Anakin..." There were no words. "You- you can't act like this, this is your pet and your responsibility. Remember? You promised to take care of her, didn't you?"

You let Snowy back down, allowing her to stalk away.

"Talk to me, Ani. What is going on?"

You saw him eyeing the cat, his fingers twirling as if he didn't know what to with them, only to break out into sniffles. So quiet one could have missed them.

"Ani," you took his hand. "Don't cry, I only want to talk, I'm not screaming and I'm not shouting. So please... don' cry. I hate it when you do that, it only makes me start crying myself."

Anakin nodded. His fingers began wiping at his cheeks, his eyes, his entire face. Trying to stifle his cries.

"Why are you crying?"

"I don't want things to change."

"But, Ani, things will always change. That doesn't mean I'll begin loving you less just because we got a cat. I couldn't ever. No matter what's going to happen," you let go of him to point at his heart. "I'll be at your side. I've been ever since I met you and your- your mother and I will be for as long as you'll have me."

You cupped his cheeks in between your hands.

"So work with me on this and stop misbehaving. Stop taking your anger out on Snowy and on me. I can't read your mind and I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong. Remember how you truly feel, Anakin. You don't hate me or her and neither do we you. Look, tomorrow Snowy might not be your best friend, however, she'll grow to love you. Love her back, it's what you do best."

"I will, Ma."

There was no way to tell what was going on inside his mind at that very moment. Even years later you would wonder as you thought back to this scene, this moment in life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who actually thought this would go over easy?  
> I feel sorry for what’s about to come in the future.


End file.
